This past Easter, I picked up a guy at a bar. We became fast friends, and eventually we did the deed.
One day, after having done it a few times, he looked at me in the post-coital, drop-a-pin silence and blurted, “you’re weird.” I cut the cord then and there. But I continued to look back; I couldn’t help myself.
I became more self-conscious than I’ve ever been, obsessing frantically about whether he was referring to my skills (or lack thereof) in the bedroom. Any modicum of confidence I used to have was reduced to smithereens.
This epic douchelord got me wondering: Was I “bad in bed”?
I grew up thinking it was impossible for a girl to be bad in bed. I mean, if you really think about it, how can women be bad at s*x?
In the olden days, women weren’t told to consider their own s*xual pleasure in the bedroom. The belief went: We have a hole, he sticks his man-parts in it, he sees God, and everyone leaves happy.
Well, for any of you ladies who operated under the same misinformation, I’m here to debunk the myth that women can’t be bad in bed, as it is possible (and I don’t mean “bad” as in “bad bitch”; I mean “bad” as in “absolutely terrible”).
On a mission to find out what could deem a girl a cringe-worthy lay, I surveyed 70 dudes. What I found blew my mind.
A girl can be bad in bed.
Here’s the unfortunate truth: An overwhelming 100 percent of respondents said a girl can be bad in bed. I was shocked to learn this.
When I asked men what they’d prefer women did more of in the bedroom, almost half of the respondents admitted to wanting more blowjobs. Coming in second place (no pun intended) was a desire for women to play with guys’ balls.
I asked men if any of the following make a girl bad in bed: being a selfish lover, being boring, being quiet, not feeling good and not knowing what she’s doing. Thirty-five percent of those surveyed said a girl is bad in bed if she’s quiet and unenthusiastic, and less than 2 percent said she’s bad if she isn’t “tight enough.”
This is reason to rejoice. It doesn’t matter if you’ve slept with one guy your whole life or spent your college years making it rain on dem hoez. The whole “tight vagina” thing is actually not a thing, so don’t feel bad for where you’ve been.
Put your heart into it.
Having a vagina is important, but so is having heart. All respondents said that foreplay plays a key role in good s*x; roughly 40 percent of guys said it’s “somewhat important” to them, and the other 60 percent indicated that it is “very important.”
Put your heart into it — just don’t put your teeth into it. One respondent said that, during one blowjob, his d*ck felt like it was in a double-sided cheese grater. I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t sound too yummy to me.
Guys want girls to do some of the work.
You don’t have to do all the work, but some heavy lifting is necessary. There are a ton of places in life where it’s socially acceptable to be a lazy f*ck: school, work, the sketchy laundromat down the street. The bedroom is not one of those places.
Take it from me: whatever you do, don’t lie there like a pillow princess, a starfish, a dead fish… or whatever you want to call it. You get the picture.
When asked about their favorite s*x position, 41 percent of respondents said they prefer doggy style, 33 percent like it when the girl is on top, and 12 percent voted for trusty ol’ missionary.
You can’t underestimate the importance of riding your man like a horse.
An important thing to note: misplaced enthusiasm can have the reverse effect. If a girl is too outside-of-the-box — like, she blindly tries things she saw while drunk on RedTube — she runs the risk of overshooting and missing the mark.
Apparently, there’s a fine line between enthusiasm and overenthusiasm. There are certain things all men will go for — then there are things that just aren’t some dudes’ cup of tea.
When it comes down to it, men just want you to be happy.
Okay, so men think with their dicks (is that news?), but it just so happens that every now and then, they also use their heads (who knew?).
Fifteen percent said that the “most important thing in the bedroom” is that they ejaculate. Fourteen percent prioritized the woman’s orgasm, and another 14 percent said that what mattered most is that they leave the bedroom happy.
But, interestingly enough, well over half of respondents said they just want their woman to leave the bedroom happy (awww).
It isn’t all about making the juices flow. A happy ending doesn’t necessarily mean a guaranteed finish.
Fear not, insecure women of the world. There’s still hope for you.
If you take away just one thing from this article, let it be this: You don’t have to be one of those famous Instagram yogis or have a dancer’s body from religiously doing barre workouts five times a week. The least flexible ladies can still rock her guy’s world between the sheets; it’s the thought that counts.
MOST importantly: Don’t forget to take care of your own needs in the bedroom.
And don’t take cues from my friend, who told me the following upon realizing she’s a lazy-ass motherf*cker:
“When it’s done, the guy is sweating and about to pass out like he did a marathon, and I’m just lying there, sipping my drink.”
Take charge, ladies!