For those who get goosebumps with the mention of the word “love”, the mere mention of “second marriage” might send a chill down the spine. Especially the baggage that it comes with- heartbreak, trauma, loss of trust, etc. These and many other negative emotions are associated with either a divorce or the loss of a partner.
Many a times, one might find love again and decide to take the plunge for the second time, but the ghost of the past might continue to haunt this new relationship. The “why me?” question might keep coming up over and over again. Even with frequent advice by loved ones to “forget about the past”, many couples still struggle to make their second marriage work. To make matters even more complex, there might be children from the previous marriage involved.
To deal with the complexities, and to make things much simpler, here is some expert advice. This will help you come to terms with the issues that might be involved in your second marriage, and make it work best for the both of you.
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1. “Ideal” need not be ideal!
As a teenager, dreaming of picture-perfect life, maybe you were never prepared to get married for the second time, or you probably did not imagine that you would be someone’s second wife/husband. Everyone dreams of that “one and only”- a statement that the society has branded as “ideal”. However, it has been shown and proved time and again that “ideal” is most often overhyped. “Ideal” should be whatever that makes one happy, right? So, try to break free of the notion that your second marriage is not ideal, and that this is just something you have to compromise with.
2. Put your spouse on top of the list
At least in the initial few months of the marriage, put your spouse before anyone or anything else in your life. And no, we are not asking you to let your world revolve around them, but make sure that their emotional needs are not ignored. Many a times it might so happen that you are too engulfed in your own emotional baggage, which can make you ignore your partner unknowingly. When your new partner sees that you are completely involved in them, and when you make them realise that they have made you forget your past, things will get much smoother than you would have imagined. Spending quality time with each other is the most important key to doing this.
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3. Get a life!
While it is important to spend quality time together and give your partner utmost importance, it is also important to have some time for yourself and do things that you enjoy doing. Whether it is going for movies with friends, going for a jog in the park alone, or simply nurturing a hobby, your “me” time will help you to maintain a strong identity for yourself. This will make you independent and strong, so you can navigate through difficult times efficiently.
4. Recognise each other’s language of love
Everyone understands love differently, and everyone has their unique way of expressing it as well. According to noted relationship expert, Dr. Gary Chapman, there are five languages of love, and each individual operates from their dominant love language. Some people offer materialistic gifts while others offer appreciation or quality time to their spouses. It is important to recognise your partner’s nature and temperament, so you can understand their expression of love. Once you begin to appreciate this, nothing else will bother you.
5. Say “I love you”
No matter what language of love you use to express yourself, make sure to say “I love you” at least once a day, or more, if possible! Larger doses of love never did any harm. These are the three little words that will make you and your partner forget about all challenges or tough times faced by either of you. “I love you” will gently remind you both that you are there for each other, no matter what.
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6. Let go of worries
Sure, it is easier said than done, but you have to at least start trying to worry less. Let go of what happened in your first marriage, or in your partner’s past relationships. No matter how your past experience has been, you have to let go of your worries and give in your 100 per cent in this marriage. Remember, if you look back and walk, you are sure to trip and fall.
7. Forgive and forget
One of the biggest keys to letting go is forgiveness. It is extremely difficult, especially in case of painful experiences, but if you truly wish to start your life afresh, you have to try and convince yourself to forgive your ex-spouse or forget the unpleasant situations of the past. This will not just make you feel much better and lighter, but also make it easier for your new partner to feel more comfortable with the relationship. So, stop blaming yourself or your ex for anything that has happened in past, and try to forgive.
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8. Deal with financial issues right away
This is a great way to strengthen your bond, and trust for each other. You probably have some savings, investments or even debts to take care of. Make sure you seek the counsel of a financial advisor and settle all the issues of concern, before they become a reason for conflict between the two of you. Talk to your partner and take their opinion or advice on how things should be planned. This will bring you much closer.
9. Be flexible
Be flexible; it saves you from a lot of trouble. Let go of your old routines, and try doing something different. At the same time, accept your partner’s habits with a smile. Accept that every person is different, if you wish to be accepted as you are. Be very open to seek help of a professional counsellor in case you feel you cannot handle things yourself.
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10. Bid adieu to negativity
Focus on making your marriage successful, rather than being dragged down by fears, and thoughts of failure or “another divorce”. Being positively focussed on making this marriage work, will make you yourself come up with ways to make the relationship work best. Did you know that studies have proved that couples in second marriages are ‘less likely to get divorced’ because they learn from the experiences of the first?
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Remember, your second marriage is a second chance life has given you to find love and have a companion for life. Follow these simple tips to make this relationship the most wonderful one, not just for you but also for your partner.