It’s hard being single. As the spawn of a generation that puts marriage top shelf, next to three kids and a mortgage, we live in constant fear of becoming the ostracized sibling.
Date and assure the parentals that one day they may have a grandchild, or you could wait and sort life out before you add to the craziness of lifelong monogamy.
From Mom and Dad to siblings, friends, colleagues and potential suitors, everyone is guilty of drawing their own peculiar conclusions about why you’re single and remain to be. What could possibly be wrong with you?
1. You lack confidence.
Has your mom ever pinched your cheeks or your friends hiked up your skirt and told you smile more?
Maybe try on something else: something tighter, shorter or girly. No one will approach you if you look sad!
It’s not a confidence thing, it’s an I-don’t-give-a-f*ck thing, as in I-don’t-give-a-f*ck what people think of how I look or act. If someone likes me, they’ll talk to me.
2. You’re too picky.
Less picky, more skeptical about how this guy who works at Pizza Hut part-time can afford to be shouting rounds of shots to a room filled with equally sketchy, pupil-dilated compatriots.
3. You’re not picky enough.
That last guy, yeah, he may have been a little hazy, and a little slow after 4:20.
So what if I’ve misplaced a few pair of pants, a pillow and half my garden hose since he left? Damn he was good in bed.
4. Do you sleep around? Maybe you put out a bad name for yourself.
I’m unsure these days what constitutes the s-l-u-t stamp, but with fingers slowly becoming toes in the tally count, I doubt I’m the only one with a few regrets.
5. You don’t go out enough.
Netflix. Need I say more?
6. You’re looking in the wrong places.
Tossing up the next location for dinner with a friend? Concerned you might be selecting a nice, cozy venue with private booths and delicious meals?
Well, there is a rather salaciously decorated nightclub a few hundred yards down the road, and my s*xy-sense is telling me I won’t have any luck there, either.
Oh, and Tinder sucks.
7. You have bitchy resting face.
I call it people watching, you call it BRF. Potato, po-tat-o.
8. Are you gay?
Searching for an answer as to why daughter number two has yet to find a man and settle down, my mother questions my s*xuality in a bid to find a resolute answer (so she can at least stop wondering).
And, while this should neither be an accusation nor have any negative recuperations, the answer is no, and if I were, I’d adopt. Sorry mum, guess again.
9. Are you a virgin?
Do I get a high-five if I am? Hell, no, but sometimes I wish I were.
10. You must be a handful.
High maintenance you say? A little crazy? Maybe slightly stubborn or a little crabby? I’ve got news: There is a certain time every month when every female feels the full emotional turmoil of a shedding uterus, and if she can safely contain it, she deserves a red, blue and gold leotard.
11. You’re too much of a dude.
Not fearing dirt, occasionally saying f*ck and enjoying a few thrills? It’s called living life, and any man who values women who exclusively wear pink is expelled.
12. You’re a know-it-all.
I once had a partner tell me I used too many “big words.” Why he never stopped me to prompt an explanation instead nodding in polite agreement, I’ll never understand. I bought him a dictionary and he now knows what salacious means.
13. You’re a workaholic.
In a world where the “good job” for a job promotion is quieter than a sad single finally downloading Tinder, I’m a proud workaholic.
14. You’re bad in bed.
Of course, I cannot honestly attest to this. I’ve had good feedback, but I think any man with hard-on cleverly prompts foreplay with a suave compliment about your boudoir repertoire.
And, it usually doesn’t hurt pre-booty call to give a little encouragement for the 1 am drive across town, but is anyone actually bad in bed?