The story is too familiar, and we’ve all heard or been through it a million times; One party in a relationship is unhappy for whatever reason, and so following a series of sad events, it ends.
How many times have you had a relationship end, only to spend the following few days, weeks, months or for some, even years trying to figure out how, why and when it went wrong, and what you could possibly have done to save it?
What would you say if I told you that there’s a really easy way to shorten the time it takes to get over the pain of a failed relationship?
I’m not saying that you won’t feel anything at all (unless you’re some kind of robot), but it’ll definitely help you put things into perspective with regard to why you shouldn’t feel as though the success or failure of the whole thing rests on your shoulders, or that there’s anything you could have (or should have) done to change it.
When I speak to clients who’re going through the end of a relationship, long term or short, I find that it absolutely helps to try to see things from the perspective of the other party.
By that I mean, if you were a woman who loved teddy bears, in a relationship with a guy who didn’t like teddy bears, and he didn’t want to date a woman who absolutely loved teddy bears (a bit extreme I know, but believe it or not, I’ve seen it before, so hang in there with me for a few…), the fact that we’re talking about her love for teddy bears is irrelevant. There’s nothing wrong with the fact that she loves her bears. There’s nothing wrong with her. It just so happens that the obsession with teddy bears is just something that he’s not looking for in his life (as random as that sounds), and she needs to wrap her brain around not taking that too personally. It’s not personal. It’s what he wants (or doesn’t want, in this case) for his own life. Period.
Sometimes we think; “But my ex ended our relationship last month and he/she is already with someone else!”
Who cares and thank God! Seriously…it sounds harsh, but let it go! It’s not personal! Maybe that other person had some quality (whether or not we see it as a desirable quality doesn’t matter) that your ex is attracted to; whether that ‘quality’ is “cankles” or waist length blonde hair, it doesn’t matter. Don’t take it personally.
When a relationship ends, our first tendency is to internalize it.
We make it about us. It’s not about us. Understand that you weren’t put on this Earth to make someone else ‘happy’. Their happiness is about them.
You’re supposed to be ‘icing’. If they’re not happy with you, it’s about “them”, and I don’t mean that in a negative way, I’m simply saying that when we get into a relationship, we’re hopefully getting what we each need from it, and when the other person brings something that we’re not necessarily fond of to the table, we look for something else.
It’s no biggie, it’s not personal. That person, with that ‘trait’ just isn’t what we’re looking for, and that’s ok. Sure, we’ll be disappointed at the prospect of having to bury whatever hopes we had for a future with that person, and start all over again with someone new, but we need to see this process as one that’s actually exciting, rather than a complete downer.
It’s no biggie. It’s not personal. Don’t take it personally. Trust me, it works!