Oh, short guys. We love them, we hate them, and sometimes we date them.
I should clarify that I’m talking SHORT. Height is pretty relative. A girl who is 5’9″ is obviously going to think most guys are pretty f*cking short.
But even me — a gal of 5 feet and 4 inches — has problems. When I say “short,” I’m talking like 5’7″ and under. That kind.
A little mini-guy. A munchkin. An Oompa Loompa man.
I once dated a tiny man. He was cute, but damn was he a shorty. He wasn’t exactly shorter than me, but he had maaaaaaaybe an inch on me.
He had ripped muscles, so he looked like one of those short, heavyweight wrestlers from the movies. Like, you know… squat.
There’s nothing wrong with dating a guy who’s shorter than you, but it does come with its difficulties.
Here are 11 very real truths about dating a guy who is shorter than you.
1. He loves you in high heels… until you actually wear them.
Your boyfriend loves a woman in heels … in theory. He’ll constantly ask you why you always wear flats.
Him: “But babe, you look so sexy in high heels.”
Me: “I know, but they’re so painful and annoying.”
What you’re really thinking is, “F*ck no. I’m not wearing heels so I can be a solid 5 inches taller than you (and that’s in kitten heels).” When you do wear heels, he immediately realizes the error of his ways. Once you’re towering over him, he’s ready for you to get back down to his level.
2. You feel like it’s all anyone ever sees.
When you’re out in public and people look at you, you wonder if they’re thinking that you’re a girl with a short boyfriend.
He may have a beautiful face, killer abs and a stellar personality, but all you or anyone else can seem to focus on is that your boo is a tiny little munchkin. You try to ignore it, but it’s just always an issue. It never goes away.
3. It makes you self-conscious about your own height.
You have a whole new insecurity that you never could have predicted: He makes you feel like a f*cking giant.
Why couldn’t you just be 5’3″? Then this wouldn’t be an issue, and you could go on your merry way without constantly stressing yourself out.
You have to put away your heels and just resign yourself to wearing ballet flats for all eternity. You used to love being a tall, sexy woman, but now it just feels like a problem over which you have zero control.
4. It’s always lurking in the back of your mind.
Your internalization of the patriarchy makes you question why you’re dating him. Guys are supposed to be the tall ones, right? You feel insecure about it, and that makes you feel like a huge dick.
You don’t want this to affect your relationship, but somehow it just does. No matter how many times you tell yourself you’re totally fine with this, it’s still there in the back of your head, eating away at your happiness.
It truly blows that something so seemingly silly could be such a cause of discontent. He can’t help that he’s short. What do you want him to do, wear stilts? You’re the one who agreed to date him in the first place, you a-hole! Ugh.
5. You don’t line up right during sex.
Of course, this can also happen with a tall guy. But having a short guy on top of you is always slightly awkward. When his feet reach only the tops of your ankles, it’s weird.
Also, he’s small, so he isn’t exactly the cookie-cutter vision of masculinity. Sometimes you just want to be thrown around in bed by a big, hot stud. That’s just not in the cards for you, my friend.
6. You find yourself justifying why you’re dating him.
You find yourself saying things like, “But he’s really sweet!” or “He’s really funny, trust me.” Or even, “I don’t care about trivial things like height.” You should not have to make justifications about your choice of mate.
For some reason, people think that you must be desperate for a boyfriend — just because he’s short. I mean, why else would you choose a guy “like that”? It’s pretty f*cked that this is our reality, but there’s no denying it.
7. You’re very strategic about taking photos together.
You have him stand while you sit. Or you make sure to sit down at the same time. You don’t want him to know that you’ve spotted an uneven surface and intentionally placed yourself on the lower part to give him a few inches. You just let it seem natural.
“What? No, babe, I’m not trying make you look taller. You just look so cute standing on that little ledge. Love you!”
8. You wonder if he shops for boys’ clothes, and it makes you uncomfortable.
You just can’t help wondering, “Is that suit jacket from the boys’ section at Barney’s, or what? Because I’m about 92 percent certain that is not a jacket made for an adult male.”
Bonus points if you’ve looked at the tag. Minus points if the suit jacket really was from the boy’s section.
9. You constantly joke about his nubbin height.
I mean, what else are you supposed to do? He’s short and it’s funny. You can’t let it be the elephant in the room. You would go insane. So you call him your “little munchkin” and ask if he can reach the top shelf without a stool.
The issue is that he is already self-conscious about his petite stature. It definitely doesn’t help when you’re constantly making fun of him. It helps you feel less awkward about it. But it makes him feel bad.
10. He is constantly trying to compensate.
He likes to talk about his huge dick… when he doesn’t actually have a huge dick. He likes to brag about his career and how successful he is. He wants to be a “man.”
He has a classic Napoleon complex. He talks loudly, makes crazy jokes and always wants to be the life of the party. You love him, but it can really be a bit much.
11. Guess what? He’s actually the best.
Luckily, he has an amazing personality, because he spent so long making up for his height.
The thing is, we don’t give the short guy enough credit. He tries harder, and he’s funnier and nicer than the tall douchebags who don’t put in the effort. The short guys are the real winners.
He may not be society’s “ideal” height, but he’s a good boyfriend — and that’s what matters most.