I’ll be honest, I hate working out: Spin, pilates, zumba, barre, aerial yoga – the collective bucket of options keeps increasing, but my amusement is still stuck on Stewie.
However, adding coitus to a grueling sweat session — now that’s a calorie scorching dance I can get jiggy with.
Sure, in the name of all things vain, I’ll suffer through fitness gains without the happy ending. But WTF for?
During hanky panky none of us actually resemble a flawless Kim K: The air is sticky hot, sweat drips and pools in uncharted nether regions as your heart attempts a great escape from your chest, leaving your hair in a severe state of emergency.
So let’s make #S*xIsLife a thing while we’re hopelessly striving for the best #TransformationTuesday flick. Strap up, ‘cause here are five fun coital positions to help burn calories.
Hot S*x: Padahastasana (Hand Under Feet)
As one of the most s*x-ready postures of Bikram Yoga, this straight forward bend is the s*x equivalent of Ben Dover.
While the blood is rushing to his junior, your brain will get more oxygen than a bong hit as your abs tone.
If he’s been a good boy, heat up the sesh with a Ardha Chandrasana leg lift.
The Burn: Weighing in at about 130-150 pounds? Thirty minutes of bumping uglies from the back will shed anywhere from 250 to 350 calories.
Just Don’t Sleep: Missionary
If any horizontal tango sets the clock back on gender equality, it’s the lazy Mama-Papa posish.
But don’t allow your guy to collect all the calorie-burning, try strengthening your core by meeting his pelvic plows with your own vigorous thrusts.
Bonus: Squeeze your glutes for maximum toning and he just may cry.
The Burn: Just 10 minutes of English-American cardio can torch 250 calories.
S*x Tiger: Squats
Get “Coyote Ugly” with your guy by adding squats into your bedroom routine.
Climb his mighty mountain and settle into proper crouching position: Chest up, shoulders back, feet on either side of his chest.
Use his raised hands for stability and let his flagpole guide you to toned legs, abs and buns.
No hands? You’re a true gladiator.
The Burn: A 130-pound person can douse at least 100 calories per 15 minutes of this balancing act.
Full Body Bump N’ Grind: Plank
To the naked eye, this semi-prone position is a breeze for any female participant. But up the s*xcercise by resting on your forearms, not your chest, and tightening your core muscles.
And remember: Breathe, don’t drop the head and thrust back at it.
The Burn: Knock down your calorie count about 221 notches. That’s if you can last an hour.
WTF?!: The Hundred
Introducing a third ball to your f*ck fest might warrant a side-eye from your BF, but globe-assisted agility will no doubt inject a newfound excitement into your personal Cirque du Soleil.
Opt for holding each other up since balance and core clenching is key while exploring countless s*xercise options.
The Burn: Keep this up and you can spark more than 350 calories.
Now… about finding a s*x partner.