What is love? What is this longing in our hearts for togetherness? Is it not the sweetest flower? Does not this flower of love have the fragrant aroma of fine, fine diamonds? Does not the wind love the dirt? Is not love not unlike the unlikely not it is unlikened to? Are you with someone tonight? Do not question your love.
Take your lover by the hand. Release the power within yourself. You heard me, release the power. Tame the wild cosmos with a whisper. Conquer heaven with one intimate caress. That’s right, don’t be shy. Whip out everything you got, and do it in the butt. – Leon Phelps
Some inspiration for the bold and curious out there.
Dim your computer screen. Remember to erase your browser history.
Here are the signs you and your partner are ready for anal.
(Hi Dad, skip this one…)
1. The bathroom door is always open
The worst that can happen has basically already happened. It’s true, but guys (and most girls) don’t mind gross stuff if it comes from someone they know and are into. The poop thing isn’t real, but the pleasure center in the rear is.
2. You’ve been poked before
Congratulations, it’s now been established that your anus gets aroused! You win a free ride on top of the laundry machine!
3. Queefing doesn’t embarrass you
It’s good to know you’re fully comfortable with each other – especially when it comes to all the weird body stuff.
Pee-pee comes out of vaginas and penises, but people don’t question putting them in their mouths… Why should anal be any different?
4. It’s someone’s birthday!
Give a gift that really takes it to the next level.
5. You’ve had a colonic
You’re like a professional wrestler who’s already passed the weigh-in. There is no doubt that you’re good to go.
6. You’ve already gotten it waxed along with your Brazilian
So you might as well use it. Don’t let a fresh blowout go to waste.
7. You have your period
You’re going to make a mess anyway. It’s either that, or put it in your mouth for the 100th time this week. Yeah, good choice.
8. You’re not on birth control
The best part about your butt is that it’s not your vagina. And you won’t get pregnant.
But, from a friend to a friend, the risk of getting STDs is higher, so wrap it up like Peter Luger’s leftovers.
9. You have a spare bottle of lube lying around
No one just randomly has a “spare bottle” of lube hanging around the house.
That kind of ointment was purchased with one decided purpose: to try anal.
You wouldn’t buy soy sauce if you weren’t planning on making a stir-fry, right? Go on, sample your groceries.
10. You’re already butt-hurt
Maybe you previously did it by accident, or maybe you just sat down hard on a seesaw. Either way, your second-biggest fear has been conquered.
11. You “want to stay a virgin”
If it’s God’s blindspot, it can be yours, too!
12. You like imitating Miley Cyrus
“What would Miley do?” has been your mantra ever since… never.
13. You’re already eating the booty
How come you needed to read this far to know? If your tongue (or someone else’s) is anywhere near the booty, then you’ve already got the “interested” and “not grossed out” qualifications crossed off your list.
The only thing left is to dive in, other end first.
14. You’re drunk
You’re practically halfway there! It’s always a good idea to get warmed up before the main event. Kudos to you for taking initiative!
15. You’re ready to feel something again
It’s like a movie trailer for “Free Willy 5,” only the butt-stuff version. You’re ready to take the leap.
16. You’ve exhausted your research
Which is what we’re guessing landed you here – one big, giant article dedicated to getting you off your ass (and finally using it).
17. You’ve tried everything else
It’s like trying every Essie color until you only have one polish left or tasting all of the assorted chocolates in the box, purposely leaving the best for last.
You don’t know until you try, right?
18. You want to have each other’s backs
There’s no better way to say “I’ve got your back” like doing it from the behind.