At the beginning of your relationship, things are great. They can feel perfect in fact. The two of you are effortlessly connecting and those hours just seem to breeze by. Sound familiar?
But then things start to get a little more difficult down the road.
Maybe you start fighting once in a while. Maybe you have more and more off days. Maybe that chemistry you felt in the beginning just isn’t there anymore.
Why does that happen? Are all relationships doomed to end up like this? Actually, no.
Sure, relationships go through different phases as they mature. But when they’re good, they improve with age. They don’t just die off in a disappointing puddle of complacency.
Here’s why this usually happens:
The success of a relationship is based on the overall quality of the emotional interactions that you have with a man. When those emotional interactions are positive and high quality, that increases his positive feelings for you. When those interactions are negative and low quality, that decreases his positive feelings for you.
So the secret is to keep having positive, high quality interactions that feel good.
OK, that probably seems obvious. Maybe I need to explain what exactly a positive or high quality interaction actually is.
Well, it probably isn’t exactly what you think it is. Most people think of positive interactions as happy, fun, and romantic. Sure, that can sometimes be a positive, but not always.
A positive interaction is simply anything where the two of you are being 100 percent emotionally real and transparent with one another. Maybe that involves being happy and a lot of romance but it might also involve crying in each other’s arms or about sharing what you’re afraid of or anxious about.
The more real and honest you can be with one another, the more the interaction will be high quality and positive. And that’s what’s going to bring the two of you together.
OK, you might be thinking right about now that this all sounds great, but what if you can’t get the guy to talk about his feelings? What if you aren’t having those positive interactions? And here’s my advice:
A lot of people want to connect with their partner, but struggle because the way that they are bringing themselves toward any interaction is actually encouraging their partner to shut down emotionally.
You could be encouraging his emotional shutdown by doing one of the following things:
1. You’re too busy analyzing your relationship to be present with him in the moment.
You worry about what he thinks, analyze his behaviors or words, worry that you’re not good enough, or try to think of the next thing to say.
Why would a guy want to connect with you, be open and vulnerable with you, and share his deepest feelings with you if you’re not even there with him? You’re stuck in your head and not in the preset moment.
2. You focus on labels and moving things forward without enjoying your relationship as it is.
You’re trying to get him to be your boyfriend or get him to propose to you, evaluating him to see if he lives up to your expectations, or looking to him to somehow take responsibility for your emotional wellbeing and happiness.
Why would a guy want to bring all of himself to you and share himself with you if he suspects that you’re not going to accept him for the man that he is? It’s very off-putting when you suspect that someone else is just auditioning you to play the role of boyfriend rather than getting to know you. And it’s a turn off when you don’t feel comfortable being yourself around others because they are trying to get you to be a certain way or get something from you.
3. You’re hiding your true feelings and thoughts to make him happy.
You’re always agreeing with him (even when you don’t really), not chiming in with your honest opinion, saying whatever you think he wants to hear to make him happy, or even going to the other extreme and pretending as if he doesn’t have any impact on you.
Again, a guy isn’t going to want to open up to a woman who is closed off herself and isn’t willing to open up. Men want to know the real you. They don’t just want to have you agree with them, too afraid to rock the boat. And they don’t want to be with someone who is so closed off that they have no impact on whatsoever.
When you can start to work on these three things, you’ll begin to change the way that you bring yourself to any interaction, date, or relationship. And when this happens, don’t be surprised if you suddenly find that you man is slowly opening up to you again.
Being with you will start to feel good again. You’ll create positive emotional interactions and increase his connection to you.
This will keep your relationship from fizzling out, ending in a breakup or suffering the slow death of complacency.
Remember, relationships don’t happen on the romantic dates with the flowers and the chocolate. Relationships live and die by the small moment by moment choices we make on a daily basis.