Relationships are good — actually, relationships are great. But even the greatest things in the world need to be limited.
Whether it’s s*x, alcohol or more s*x, too much of anything isn’t good.
We all have that friend who has delved so deeply into a relationship, you have grown to think his significant other is a she-devil.
At first, you thought she was awesome and perfect for him, but as time wore on, you came to realize this woman was put on this planet to suck every bit of life out of your friend.
Here are some common themes that will help you realize your boy has gone to the point of no return:
He’s always with her.
Look, I’m in a happy, healthy relationship, but I understand there needs to be a work/life/friends/girlfriend balance.
How the f*ck can a person always be with his or her significant other? What could someone possibly talk about with someone he or she sees every day?
The only thing that wouldn’t get old would be talking about his or her goddamn dreams, and I guarantee you, they are in each other’s dreams anyway.
If your boy is with his girlfriend every single day, this is the most easily identifiable sign that he is no longer your friend, but rather a zombie man being brainwashed by a girl.
He always has an excuse for why he can’t chill.
How many times have you heard the lame excuse, “I can’t, I promised my girlfriend I would…”That is literally the worst excuse in the world. You see the girl every day; at least lie to me.
Tell me you have a dentist appointment, tell me you have a funeral or a family party. Tell me anything else. Obviously you will always feel obligated to see your girlfriend if you’re with her every day.
Therefore, seeing her is the worst excuse for not being able to chill with the boys once in a while.
Making promises for dinner or date night is only valid if the plans were made way in advance, not the night before while the two of you were lying on your couch watching “The Notebook.”
He constantly showcases her on social media.
Bro, no one gives a f*ck about what you guys are doing.
Social media has become such an annoyance if you follow any friends in relationships.
Nobody wants to see your kisses on the ‘gram; nobody wants to see your girlfriend doing something embarrassing on Snapchat, and nobody wants to see the weird sh*t you guys tweet at each other.
Intimacy is fine, but broadcasting your love 24/7 is unnecessary, and frankly, will lead me to blocking you on all forms of social media.
He only texts you if he got into a fight with his girlfriend and wants to vent to you.
In this situation, you have about 12 hours to convince him his relationship is unhealthy, that his girlfriend is a witch and that he can do much better.
For the first six hours, you probably think you’re on the path to success, but by hour seven or eight, you realize you’re going to fail the mission.
By hour 12, he’s back to being on good terms with his girlfriend and forgets everything that happened to lead up to this point. You probably won’t hear from him for another month.
…Or, if his girlfriend is away on vacation.
This is really the worst of the worst. You see the uncomfortable goodbye tweets, the “I’ll miss you” Snapchats and the see you soon pictures on the ‘gram. You KNOW that text to chill is coming really soon.
In some situations, like with my friend who won’t be named, there are no texts. He just shows up to wherever your group of friends are trying to chill every waking minute of the day until his girlfriend comes back.
I will give him credit though, he’s gotten better. Instead of hanging out when his girlfriend’s on vacation, he just doesn’t hang out at all now.
In the rare times he hangs out, he never actually wants to do anything.
Maybe I’m crazy, or maybe I was born in the wrong time period, but going to a bar with your friends doesn’t make you a bad significant other.
Don’t come around and try to convince me to go bowling, or to the driving range on a Saturday night when I’m trying to get saucy. Going to a bar doesn’t equal cheating, so stop being a pussy and have some fun with your friends.
He suggests bringing the girlfriends to guys’ night out.
A few years back, there were a couple of movies that came out to depict how deadly the lack of balance in a relationship can be.
“Ted” and and “I Love You Man” were created to show the importance behind maintaining relationships with your friends.
Your boy’s girlfriend might be cool, but no girlfriend is cool enough that you want to see her every time you’re trying to chill. Chances are, we’re trying to do some reckless sh*t that your girlfriend would not approve of.
The last thing a group of testosterone-driven bros want is a chick riding solo, tagging along for the night.
Strippers, bro’d out conversations, getting rowdy and more strippers can instantly be eliminated once a girl has been added to the group.
Also, all the guys have to put on a front and talk about how much they love their girlfriends and make sure not to say anything stupid. So, thanks for ruining the fun.
If you want to be a pansy and aren’t up for the adventure, have fun at wine night with your girlfriend and her friends, you pussy.
All in all, if your boy has fallen off, he’s still your friend. Through the thick and thin, you will still have is back.
But as far as being your ride or die, RIP TO THAT MOTHAF*CKA.